Insecurity Resurgence--the mind of (this) writer

I will not compare myself.
I will not compare myself.
I will not compare myself.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN VERONICA ROTH, BEST SELLING AUTHOR OF DIVERGENT, IS ONLY 23 YEARS OLD?!?!?!?

I will allow myself five minutes of freak-out.

OMG, I am such a slacker/loser/undisciplined writer.

Why couldn't I have done that? Why do I struggle so much with worldbuilding? Why can't I just turn off my brain, simplify, and DIVE IN?

Will I ever learn to shut up and DO it?

UGH.

*insert frustrated, muted scream here*

Hormones Vs. Crazy, Part 2

It started when I was cuddled up against Captain, thinking. Always, for the love of God, thinking. (Have I ever told you that my therapist once told me she wished she could inject alcohol into my brain so I would think less? Yeah, apparently it's problem, my thinking.) I was thinking about what I felt for him, and about the shadowy moments I have when doubt creeps in and grow fearful. And the fear is easily identified.

This man, this relationship -- they are both things I have never really had before that produced so much happy in my life. It's as if I've tasted the best cheesecake in the world--but what if the manufacturer ever discontinued it? What if the recipe was burned or lost? What if I could never find that cheesecake again?

(Am I comparing my boyfriend to cheesecake? Um, yes, apparently.)

It's that fear I thought of, and the welling of emotion that was wrapping itself around me... and at this point, my memory is going to slide back to the moment:

So I said, "You know, what you and I have together, I've never found with anyone else."

"Oh, yeah, me neither," Captain responds readily, unquestionably.

I hesitate. I speak the fear aloud. "But sometimes, even though I have no reason to, I am sometimes scared I'll lose it."

He looks surprised (as I expected he'd look). "What? Why? I'm not going anywhere."

"I know," I admit. "That's why I said I had no reason for it."

And then I begin a conversation about his visa status and press him with questions, "What if..." and go on and on and on until the only option he concludes he has left is: "Well, then I could leave the country for a year and then try to come back on the same visa. But that's kind of ridiculous."

Not once has he mentioned the easiest of solutions, not even as a joke. I have already thought about the possibility of bringing up that solution, but the fact that it's connected to his visa discussion has never appealed to me. It seems... sketchy somehow, like someone could interpret it as me getting a mail-order groom--even though I know it would not be that.

The hour is late, the Charity filter is lowered. The question bounces in my head, should I, shouldn't I?

"So, not to bring it up in this context," I say awkwardly, staring into the darkness and huddling up closer to his chest. His arm is still around me, lazy-like and comfortable. "But there are other options." I shut up. I stop there. Let him put the pieces in the place, because Captain's smart. He's not like any other man I've dated before, and I know he'll follow the bread crumbs.

He doesn't. Not at first. "Well, yeah, I don't really know what other visa options there are, but--"

"No," I interrupt. "I mean, there are other options that will keep you in the country. Involving me." (I actually don't know if I said this in this way. My brain is mushy about the details sometimes.)

"OH!" he breathes, "Oh, you mean that."

Yes, that. That thing-that-shall-not-be-named. M....

I'm tense in the darkness. I don't know what reaction I expect. I know he's not prepared for this conversation, I know he hasn't given it much -- or any -- thought. This is how Captain is. He is free-floating, spontaneous, fluid, flexible. I am rigid, a planner, organized, and forever locked into thinking about the next five years. His approach to life is what brought him to me in the first place because I certainly would not have been prepared to make two international moves before age 30. My approach keeps me steady, grounded, stable. No approach is better or worse than the other, and in fact, I realize they are very complimentary. I know Captain will not think too seriously/too hard of M... not really. Not because he doesn't want to, but because it's not in his wiring to think that way. I also know that Captain does well when I outline some parameters, not in a serious way, but in a gentle way. This was my way of bringing him to the wading pool of The Future and, well, shoving him ankle-deep into it.

I am prepared to drop the topic. His reaction tells me right off the bat that he is unprepared for this conversation. It also tells me I caught him off guard, but it doesn't tell me is he freaking out?

(Note: it is also not in Captain's wiring to freak out. That's beside the point.)

"Well, I wouldn't want to do that to you," he says, "to put you in that position."

Don't you understand? It's a position I'm considering willingly being in, visa situation aside! I don't say this because now I'm wondering if he thinks I'm offering some kind of mail-order groom deal. I need to set the record straight. "No, I'm not saying that's the sole reason, or even the main or secondary reason for doing it. I'm just saying--"

"--Oh, no, I understand. If the situation was right."

"Right."

A new idea blooms in my head. An ugly one. And I know I have to make sure something is clear, spoken, understood. I sit up a bit, tense again. "Cuz if that door is closed," I say, dead serious, "I need to know."

His hand moves over my arm in soothing, calming strokes as if he's trying to flatten ruffled feathers. He is quick to remedy this. "That's not what I said."

I ease back down. "Okay, because if it was, I'd have to reassess what we're even doing here."

"Right," he says. "I understand."

"I know it's early to talk about--"

"--Yeah, really early." There's no admonition in his voice when he says this, but it's another signal for me. He's not prepared for this conversation. "But I know we'll have to talk about it eventually."

I relax. If he knows that this conversation will need to happen (more seriously, less introductory) sometime, then the door isn't closed and the possibilities still abound. This comforts me, and I am prepared to drop it. We do continue talking easily, contemplatively about it for a few minutes, not specifically, but reiterating that we have time before his visa expires and we're still talking two years from now. He speaks like this is a long while off. I feel like it's not that far off. In a year, I'll have a master's degree. In 8 months after that, my 2-year lease will end. No, two years is not that far away, but I don't say this now. He needs the comfort of time... he needs to get used to the water temperature that I've just dragged him into.

He eases into the conversation, and I realize it's not very tense. I do joke about the awkwardness of it, and he laughs with me. This eases the tension more. And I confess, "My mother has made some comments."

I tell him about those conversations, which tend to be amusing with me imitating my mom's accent. He laughs. He tells me his mom hasn't said anything, but that doesn't mean she's not thinking about it. After all, he reminds me, he's the best chance she has at a grandchild. He doesn't say this as bluntly as I've written it, but we've talked about this before.

And so the conversation slides, away from M... and onto kids.

More to come!

Is it the hormones? Or is all that crazy just me? (Part 1)

Let me tell you a little secret. I'm a little crazy sometimes. I think this, and I think sometimes it may be true, but really what it must be is that I'm neurotic, a little weird. And maybe once in a while, I think I'm kind of brilliant. (Those moments are a little rare, but they happen.)

So, I'm just going to lay it bare right now. Sometimes I have to do this on paper, to see the black on the white, to know that the words exist and can be sorted. On a blog, this means I can label and hashtag the heck out of this post so I can figure out what's the deal.

Why I Think I'm (a little) Crazy

I've lived with myself a long while now, and I've grown really accustomed to doing and saying things that make a lot of people look at me with their head cocked to one side and a face that reads: do you know what you're saying? So, when I was single, and so focused on trying to ensure that the things I wanted out of life -- always the same three things I've stated since I was 16: be a wife, be a mom, be a writer -- would actually happen to me, I put myself under a lot of unnecessary pressure. I have never really learned to turn that off (people tell me I should--that I need to, for my own sanity, but I haven't). I figured out that being a writer mostly, like say 90% depends on me, 10% on the market/industry/etc. After all, I have to do the damn work. Being a wife and mom were tandem goals, tied together. In my head, you couldn't have one without the other, and it was all dependent on finding a suitable partner. Talk about pressure. The absolute focus I had on finding someone to marry was... I'd say, consuming for me and frustrating for many of my poor friends who had to put up with my endless diatribes on the horrors of my dating life (or sad lack thereof). The year I turned 27, I started to examine this plan. It hadn't worked out the way I expected it to. Had things gone the way I had planned, I would've found someone in college and gotten married at 26, then started popping out kids between the ages of 28-32.

You know what they say about the plans we make, right? That God laughs at them? Yeah, I'm sure He did.

I had to re-examine these plans when I was 27. And like some magic lightbulb went off in my head, I thought, what if I separated the two things? If I can't be a wife, can I still be a mom?

...why, yes. yes, I can.

It wouldn't be the way I intended for it all to happen, but I know I want that for my life. So, I made a Plan B (and not the pill kind). I decided I was going to try to let the marriage thing go. I hadn't had too much luck in the love department, and things were only getting increasingly discouraging, so I tried to let that part go for a while. In the event I didn't find someone special by the time I hit 30, I was going to go with Plan B--my flying solo flightpath. Here's what that looked like:

PLAN B: Adopt a child from of the county child services, on my own, by age 35. Begin the adoption paperwork processing at age 33. (I was never one of those women who was so tied to the idea of birthing as an essential experience of motherhood--it'd be nice, but I'm not doing that by myself! And I've always wanted to adopt.)

How was I going to manage this? Well, I'd need more money. So I decided that I needed to go to graduate school again. I had tried and failed once before, and I didn't want to have to tell my future kid(s) that I quit something I had once set my mind to do. Plus, I didn't want to have to study too much longer, and if I could pursue graduate school now, I'd be done at age 30. So I applied, I enrolled, and I'm on that path even now--and I'm still on track to graduate at age 30 (on my way to 31).

This plan released some of that pressure to find someone to marry. And by age 28, I was giving dating a wild run. I decided everything I had tried before hadn't worked, so I kind of decided to just try new things. That meant I did some dumb stuff, but I did some smart stuff--like date enough to the point where I became somewhat comfortable with first dates--where there wasn't too much pressure to impress. That pressure dissipated and instead, I found myself just wanting to be sure I even got on with another person well enough. I admit: my attitude towards dating at this stage was in the mindset of "fuck it, I don't care anymore." Turns out, that's kind of the perfect state to be in.

Not that I needed to get into all this backstory, but the point is, when I was in that place--the "Whatever, I don't care anymore" stage, that's when I came across Captain.

In 2 months, it will have been a whole year since I first got in touch with Captain and started conversing with him. In 3 months, it will have been a year since we met. In 5 more months, it will be a whole year we've "officially" been together. (Technically, we never ever dated other people in the 6 week span of time from when we first met to when we made things "official" -- but this is arbitrary anyway.)

There is still enough of that intense planner in me, enough of that girl that was SO FOCUSED on finding someone to marry, to make me think about the possibilities this relationship has to lead to ... well, everything I wanted in the first place. I've thought about this for a while--and there's that saying, when you know, you know. Well, I don't. I don't know when that moment comes, or if it's one of those long-time-coming things. I just know that I found myself amazed at the things I was willing to do, the lengths I was willing to go, the amount of risk I was willing to invest into Captain, into us. And each time I do those things, I find myself going a little wild inside. What am I doing? Why? and with the questions comes the dawning realization that I've never done these things for anyone else in my life, ever.

Do I think I could marry this guy? Do I think I could commit to spending the rest of my life with him? The good, the bad, the ugly, the rich, poor, happy, sad, sickness, health, and Stanley Cup Finals?

I don't even think I have to answer that question, because you probably can tell what my answer would be based on this neurotic novel I'm trying to pass off as a blog post.

And so this conversation has occupied my mind for weeks now. Maybe months. I don't know. I just know that the slow freak out was getting worse, because instead of just thinking about it, I found myself trying to figure out how to find a way to protect myself. How do you fall in love and stop yourself from being too vulnerable? How do you find a way to recover the pieces of you that you've been giving away so readily? How do you bring up a loaded firecracker of a topic and not risk exposing yourself, or your fears, or your desires?

Then, I knew there was a problem. I was trying to think of ways to pull back, retreat. This was not the way I should've been thinking about our relationship and I knew it. But how could I talk about it with him and not send him running for the hills? I already know, in my bones, that the whole marriage and kids thing is more important to me than it is to him. He's one of those easygoing guys--so easygoing, I get the sense he'd be perfectly content to date until some unspecified time "if the situation is right."

And not that he's wrong--he's totally right. But he doesn't live by defined schedules and plans, not like me. That kind of flexibility and spontaneity is what even brought him to me--because I don't know if I could've moved internationally, not once, but twice, just for a work opportunity, but he is that guy. I'm the girl that plans her whole life out, to the point where she already knows just which county she'd be applying for adoption services from and the kind of girl who's already researched that option for her Plan B.

The only logical conclusion I came to was to gently ease into it when the conversation allowed for it.

An opportunity to wade into that pool came this weekend; I took it.

Details to follow, as this post is already longer than I intended it to be. :/ Remember, I'm just trying to sort out my crazy right now. (It's that "week" of the month, and so my emotions are kind of... smeared all over a map at this point. This is why I need to write stuff like this down to figure it out...SIGH.)

Busy Week, Late Updates in Relationships, Weight, and Money

Yikes! It's been a whole week since I posted that huge, long post on money. I meant to write on Monday, and didn't because somehow I got busy. The same is true of Wednesday. I typically like to write my blog posts in the morning because at night I'm fairly brain-dead and tired. So, we're gonna knock this one out in a weekly update style.

Miscellany Monday Updates

Last weekend was the official 6-month marker for me and Captain. I didn't think we'd be doing anything special to celebrate it since we've always typically acknowledged each passing month with a simple, "Happy X-months!"text message and few scattered comments about, Does it feel like X-months to you? No? Me neither. Feels longer? Well, I hope that's a good thing! So I didn't think much of it, except to privately think about how this is the best relationship I've been in, well, ever. No fights yet (I still dread the day that will come. Somehow I feel as if a fight reveals so much about someone's character, and not that I don't have an idea of what Captain's character is like [obviously I do], but just that some people morph into someone else you don't recognize in a fight. I wouldn't want that to happen. Not that I'm thinking of picking a fight just to find out. Don't fix what's not broken, right?), and still nothing that makes me think twice about being with him. We used to have this "check-in" phrase, a kind of relationship thermometer, as I like to think of it. Usually it'd be me who'd say something like, "See any red flags?" (which later turned into simply, "Red flags?"). The last time I said that (a month or so ago), he replied, "I think we're past that now." I remember feeling so gooey inside, like a chocolate chip cookie feels when it's just baked. Like, oh, we're there, in the safe zone. It was such a nice feeling to somehow capture a moment of feeling secure and being assured of that security.

Anyway, all that said, last weekend rolls around and I end up having to go to the dentist for a cleaning. (Yay. Feel the excitement?) We go there, coincidentally meet up with my parents who were also in the area, and return to my place where I start dinner. Right before I started cooking, he comes up and surprises me with a little black jewelry box that has this gold trim outlining the Elven inscription of the One Ring. (I mean, he did this with the whole Close your eyes? What, why? Just do it. Now, stick out your hand. bit, but you know. Brevity in storytelling is not my strong suit.) So, of course, I think I squealed "LORD OF THE RINGS?!" and then gingerly tore (can you gingerly tear into something?) into it. I distinctly recall trying not to let my hand shake, but I don't know why I was feeling like that. It turned out to be a pair of lovely, sparkly pair of Arwen's Evenstar necklace (from the film) in earring form! They're stunning. If you recall, they represented Arwen's love and willingness to give up her immortality to spend her life with Aragorn. I'm not saying that's what it represented when Captain gave it to me, but I like to think it was a beautiful symbol of love and commitment. (I may be over-romanticizing it, because he probably got it since he knows I'm a LotR lover and he enjoys giving gifts that have personal significance to the recipient). "Happy six months," he said after all that. Happy six months indeed.

Wednesday Weigh-In Updates

I had to do my weigh-in this week, and it turns out:

I did really well last week, going to the gym/getting some kind of exercise in, eating in rather than out. I know I didn't make the best choices when eating (based on WW PointsPlus values), but being conscious of what you're eating is still a step in the right direction. I tried to keep a bit of a food diary, but the weekend is a bit fuzzy.

Umm, ignore the fact that I accidentally reported my Friday night meal as a dessert...?

This crazy spreadsheet is of my own making. It's got WW points for each section, and WW totals at the end. There's also an activity tracker on the end of each day as well, and the color coded meals indicate if I ate in or ate out and whether or not I paid for it. Detailed, no?

Last week (3/4-3/10), I did really well as far as not eating out too much. The shaded boxes indicate eating out, and the purple means someone else paid for it (Captain, usually), and the red box means I paid for it and had to record it in my budgeting process. I was motivated, and I felt good last week. My menu planning was strong last week. I was prepared to take it all on.

This week, I am struggling a little more, so I will explore the reasons for that when I report my progress next week. I also was not as prepared, menu planning wise, and I can see how that has some repercussions in my eating out/spending habits.

Finance Friday: Keeping a Budget Update

Keeping a budget is tough. I mean, tough. For this month, being within my grace period for the learning curve, I don't think I've been doing too badly but I still could have done better. It's only been a week and I feel so pinched. I mean, on one hand, I know I have the money. I just can't touch it. On the other hand, I'm trying really hard to stick to my outlined budget. I have to allow myself some grace because the truth is that this will be a learning period. The first three months will require some adjustments after I look back and see how I've done -- maybe I need more in some areas or less in others. I just won't know for a little while.

So, I didn't capture the data from before I tried to keep this budget (it was depressingly in the red in many areas). But here's the data from 2/28-3/7:

See all that green?! Means I've still got money!

The phone app version (which auto-syncs with the web version, which is screen capped up there) lets you know if you're on pace for the month, as far as spreading out your allotted funds for the whole month. Obviously that works for some areas (like food/etc), but it doesn't work for things like rent which gets paid in full, up front. The pace doesn't seem to show on the web version, but that's okay. I think sometimes it stresses me out to see how far I'm already gone on it.

That said, I'm in the green in all areas except for one: home supplies. I had initially budgeted for $25/month of expenses for home supplies, but I didn't really specify what that might mean. I just figured it was any expenses related to the house, like cleaners. Except I didn't build a laundry budget for myself, so I decided to report that in home supplies. Then I bought bath stuff and some house stuff that I was running low on, and BAM! Negative money. What?! It was the first week of the month already! So, I'm guessing that might be an area I need to adjust later.

Also difficult: my personal allowance (noted as BLOW! money). Ideally, this is money I can do whatever I want with. Get a pedicure, get a massage, buy my personal care items and whatever. Well, last month I had a friend (second mom) buy me two pairs of jeans (I was getting holes in mine) and I usually just pay her back. Well, at $52 a pop (total is like $104), with an allowance of $150/month, that's 2/3 of my entire monthly allowance. God, I wanted to cry; it just felt like I was already starting from a disadvantage/behind the 8-ball. Thankfully, my second mom realized my dilemma and offered me the opportunity to pay for one pair of jeans a month at a time, this means I took a 1/3 hit to my personal allowance right off the top (I didn't build a clothing allowance because I don't shop for clothes often and I actually really, really abhor clothing shopping. I may need to revisit this decision in 3 months as well.) I also chose to support a charity via a t-shirt campaign, which I consider a donation/giving. This came out of my personal allowance and amounted to $36. I'm currently down to just under $63 for the rest of the month in this section, and that makes me a little sad.

The categories I'm doing really well in: entertainment. My utility bills sometimes don't hit til the end of the month so I just don't count that section at all because that's a "need to be paid" area. I've spent $5 in entertainment (to pay for parking at the hockey game; typically parking is $15 at the arena itself, but I park a little ways away and pay less). This amount is unusual and surprising, because I feel like I usually spend quite a bit in entertainment. Maybe having a budget has had this effect on me. Who knows?

Categories I'm concerned about: food, gas/petrol, personal allowance/BLOW! money. Food is just expensive. Eating in still feels kind of pricey, but I still think I'm doing okay. I think I'll know about how I'm progressing at the half-point of the month (next week), just because I'll see then how much I've spent and how much I have left for the rest of the month.

Unexpected expenses did occur this week, as I was invited to join and honor society. I don't join every one I'm invited to, but this one seems to be quite prestigious and worthwhile, so I paid the $80 out of my savings account to go toward that expense.

All in all, I still think I'm doing better than I was. How do you think I'm doing? Do you see any ways for me to improve? I'm always open to suggestions.

Finance Friday: Announcing the March Money Challenge

There are English people and Math people. Guess which one I am? (There are, I understand, a few oddities who can do both, but I have not been one of those people.) In the continuing evolution of Charity, I've decided that it's time to become one of those strange crossbreeds of English/Math peeps.

After all, I've never been good with money. This is not a life sentence, understand? I can be good with money. In fact, scratch that. I will be good with money. Starting now.

But before I get into all the nitty gritty of my dollars, I need to be clear about my goals. This is about ME and about what I want to accomplish in my life. I feel like I need to know why I didn't do well with money before, and when I thought about that, I realized that I didn't care before because, well, I was young and stupid. I don't have that excuse anymore. I also didn't ever really believe that things would be different in my life. I thought that I wasn't truly worthy of love, that perhaps I would grow old and die alone (how depressing? What was wrong with me in my earlier years? Jeez). No amount of convincing on my friends' part helped. I assumed that there wasn't much of a point in saving for retirement because hell, what if I didn't make it to 65 anyway?

...but I never stopped to ask what would happen if I did.

Until now.

I hate to say that having Captain in my life is the reason for some change, but it's hard to deny the correlation. The truth is that when I met Captain, I had very limited expectations. He surprised me. He impressed me, but not because he was trying. It's just who he is, the person I've discovered in him somehow inspires me to be better than I am. Not that he inspires me to change who I am, just without him even trying, I feel more able to make changes in my life to become Charity 2.0--the version of me who's still awesome, but now to the next power, so to speak. After all, having Captain in my life has allowed me to ask some big, tough questions about the nebulous future. And, now--even as I said then when we first met--I have always, always told myself that no matter what happens, I will forever be grateful for Captain because of what he brought into my life. At a time when I was close to losing hope, Captain taught me that there is always a reason to have hope. In nerd terms, Captain became my light of Eärendil... "May it be a light for you in dark places, when all other lights go out." (Galadriel, Lord of the Rings). [That totally makes him sound so vital to my life, and I don't want it to seem that way; I just mean that he's taught me a lot about myself and about life without doing anything in particular, and I'm uber-grateful for it.]

That said, the things that enter my brain as a result of having Captain in my life go something like this: I would like to get married someday. Gee, getting married means that we're going to have to talk very frankly and honestly about money. I don't have any money, not really. In fact, I have student loan debt, which means I'm in the negative if we're looking at the big picture. And I'm bad at managing my money. Hmm, I should remedy this. IMMEDIATELY.

I want to be able to do things with my money, absolutely. But living for the moment can't be sustained for a long period of time because I have to consider my future and whether or not I'll be able to take care of myself later in life. Also, I want to be able to demonstrate that getting married to me does not represent a massive financial risk and that I can be a good steward of my finances. What's the solution here? Oh, I know! SAVING MONEY (for a number of reasons: an emergency, a wedding, vacations, retirement, a house, unborn children's college fund, whatever), GETTING OUT OF DEBT, and BEING MORE INFORMED (read: smart) ABOUT FINANCES.

All of this to say: I've challenged myself to design and stick to a budget for the month of March. This is not to say I will only stick to a budget for March, but that I will begin to do this now and attempt to continue it, making adjustments every 3 months as needed.

At this point, this is roughly what my finances look like (and trust, I've cut out pretty much everything I'm willing/able to cut):

• Income: $2,700
• Expenses: $2,100
• Left over for savings: $600

Just before the March Money Challenge started, this is what I have:

• a small life insurance policy provided for by my work
• $18k in a pension
• $1,600 in a Roth IRA
• $680 liquid savings

This is what I currently owe:

• $900 credit card debt* (this gets paid off every month, so really this is $0)
• $7,500 car loan
• $60k+ student loan debt

If I can stick to my budget, I can have $7k in savings in one year's time. It's a decent start, but a chunk of that savings is allocated to irregular expenses such as my dog, my haircuts, my car insurance and car registration, an emergency fund, a travel/vacation fund, a Christmas gift fund, and a regular savings account. When I take all those things into account, my regular savings + emergency fund should be about $4k of that at the end of the year. ($3k is allocated for travel/vacations + irregular expenses).

So, the goal list:

• Immediate goals: create and stick to a workable budget for 1 month, then stick to it for 3 months and make adjustments quarterly.
• In 6 months, build a regular savings + emergency fund of $2k+. After 1 year, build a regular savings + emergency fund of $4k+ 
• By summer 2014: pay off my car* (this may require that I adjust my budget and redirect a portion of my savings towards paying off the car, which I will revisit in 2-3 months time)
• After summer 2014: redirect my car payments towards paying off my student loan debt
• After I have my emergency fund set up: consider making more (perhaps regular?) contributions to my Roth IRA
• This year: Research and consider retirement plans beyond my pension (i.e. Roth IRA, 403(b), 401(k), etc.)

This money makeover is probably one of the most difficult things I've ever challenged myself to do. It's a lot like dieting & exercising. I have to be disciplined, vigilant, and aware. I need to question myself about each expense just like I have to question myself about every item of food I decide to eat/prepare. And perhaps most difficult of all, I have to stay motivated and never lose hope.

Wednesday Weigh-In: Starting Point

It's about to get real.

Oh. My. GAWD.

There are a lot of reasons that fat shaming sucks. I'm not saying I agree with the practice at all, but I am saying that these pictures (the first  two, anyway) were a moment for me to see myself through the lens of an unfortunately placed camera. All three pictures were taken in the same time frame (a matter of days apart), right around Christmas 2012 by Captain's mum (worst. possible. angles, I know). I am not proud of these images. I am not thrilled to see my belly line up with my boobs, or wonder just how much my face can sink into itself.

When I first saw these pictures, I couldn't believe it. I asked myself, Is this what people see when they look at me? Now, I ask myself: What are you going to do about it? 

Because, surely, something must be done.

Let's review:

• At age 16, I wore a size 7 and weighed 137 lbs.
• At age 22, I wore a size 10-12 and weighed 150 lbs.
• At age 28, I wore a size 16 and--by February 2012--I weighed 202.2 lbs.
• I joined Weight Watchers and got on-board with tracking my food and measuring out every bite I ate. By April 2012, I weighed 186 lbs. That's sixteen freaking pounds lost, in a matter of months. What's better is that I dropped to a size 14.
• Then, I fell off the WW wagon and managed to land around 188 lbs. by August 2012.
• By Christmas 2012, I was 190 lbs.
• As of this morning, I am 192.4 lbs. and can wear my size 14 jeans, but it's not too comfortable.

NOT OKAY. 

My Be Better, Do Better mantra demands that I treat myself better. It demands that, yes, I love myself and love my body, but also demands that I work on it. Why? Because I want to be healthier. I want to feel more attractive (note: I didn't say I wanted other people to find me more visually attractive, but that I want to feel more attractive because when I'm ballooning upwards towards the 200-lbs marker, I am not feeling good about me). I want to see what my adult body looks like underneath all the unnecessary fat. I want a strong heart, a long life, a not-crazy-difficult [future] pregnancy, the energy to keep up with small children, the confidence that damn, girl, I look good -- and all the benefits that go along with not-being-overweight. Right now, I only feel that I look good every now and again, but I'm not feeling my awesome.

Let's break it down into specific goals and an action plan. Because I want to be sure to lock into a positive mindset, I am going to say that I will do these things as opposed to saying I want these things--wants aren't needs, and I need to do these things, no ifs, ands, or buts about it. Here goes:

1. Goal #1: Trim the Fat. I will lose 20-25 lbs. before September 2013. That gives me six months to drop that weight. Based on my weight loss before, this should be easily achieved if I stick to a good diet and exercise.
2. Goal #2: Eat to Live, not Live to Eat. I will limit my fast food intake and cook more. I will create and stick to a menu plan. This will have an impact on my financial goals as well, but I want to eat better and be healthier.
3. Goal #3: Bust Ass. I will commit to an active lifestyle. This means I will actually use my paid-for gym membership and utilize my BBX Groupon. I will do something active at least 3x a week.

This is my starting point, at 192.4 lbs. I told myself last year that I would never go back to 200+, and I meant it. It's time to go to war, find my warrior self, and dig out the strength to get back on track.

Be Better, Do Better... Or, the Pursuit of Happiness

If you don't think you are fabulous, if you don't have incredible confidence in yourself, you will never have the strength to go after what can make you happy. --Suze Orman 

If you asked me for a definition of "happy," I'm not entirely sure I would know how to answer. On one level, I understand that happiness is an emotion, a resulting feeling related to a series of events in one's life. Joy, I've been told, is an internal thing that can emanate from someone, on a deeper level than simply "happy." But I've been thinking a lot about this idea of confidence in oneself and its relation to happiness. (Should be obvious, given my last post about loving thyself). That's a crucial part of the puzzle that's been missing for me, the confidence to pursue the things that can make me happy.

I like lists and I need to have goals, so I've targeted three areas of happiness that I want to focus on over the next year (in order of importance):

• Love/Relationships
• Money Matters
• Weight Loss/Health

These three target areas have subcategories that under their purview as well as connections to the other areas, but as general titles go, those are the three places I want to be better, do better in. (Back to my mantra for 2013, see?). 

In Love/Relationships, I've finally discovered that I can't be everyone's friend. I have to be okay with letting people go and/or allowing relationships that are a 'drag' (emotional, financial or otherwise) fall to the wayside. I have to decide whether some relationships are worth the investment. And if they're not, I have to be okay with the truth that I can't be everyone's friend. I'm a good friend, I think, and a good girlfriend and a good daughter (even if I don't always feel like one). And so this year, I want to cultivate the relationships that I'm deeming worth an investment--those include my true friends, professional associations, my budding (is it still 'budding' 6 months in?) relationship with my boyfriend whom I'll call Captain on this blog, and my longstanding, difficult relationship with my parents. I'm going to try to post about these sorts of things on Mondays (yes, this means I'm trying to keep a blogging schedule). Since this will be the area wherein there might not always be a weekly update, I may make Miscellany Monday about goal-making and goal-progress as well... we'll just see how this rolls out.

In Money Matters, I want to be better about my finances. I've already decided on a path to take, but I planning is always a different beast than actual execution. Right now, my focus is not on the dream job I've got in my head because I'm still currently working on my masters degree. I will refocus on that when I've completed my academic studies. And in case you were wondering, the dream job is to be an author. My real day-to-day job is a stable, steady sort of deal and it provides me with enough money, yet I constantly feel like it's not enough. Why is that? Because I'm a spender, not a saver. I'm a lover of words, not a lover of numbers and it's made me resistant to planning ahead with my money. That's a terrible thing to admit, but it's the truth and I'm trying to change that now. With the realization that (a) I'm turning 30 this year, (b) I'm in this relationship that I feel is headed towards a strong/long-term commitment, and (c) other factors, I've determined that I'm not a kid anymore. I can't claim young, dumb, and innocent. I have to take responsibility for my finances and put myself in a better position for my later years (whatever may come--family, kids, a mortgage?). I'll go over my plan more in detail on Friday when I kick off my Finance Fridays posts, but just so you have a head's up: I'm challenging myself to stick very closely to a budget next month, and I'm calling it March Money Challenge. 

Weight Loss/Health has been another area of my life that's been a challenge for me. While I've made friends easily my whole life, and though I spend most of the money I earn (but I do earn it), I have always struggled with my weight (and as a result, my confidence in myself). I will periodically get on a roll doing something, and when something goes wrong, boom! I'm done. It's been this way with weight loss and dieting, and even with money, for most of my life. I'm tired of selling myself short in these areas. I want to be better, do better. And so, I've decided to return to the gym and to eating better/right. If I stop eating out so much, not only will I get the healthy benefits of preparing my own meals (knowing what's in it and maintaining control of the ingredients), I get the side benefit of saving some money. So, we're going to tackle this weight loss/health thing because I will never be in a better position to do something about this as I am right now. Right now, I'm young (under 30! Just barely), I have no kids (but that might change someday, and I don't want to have a difficult/complicated pregnancy), and dammit, I want to look good! (Side benefit: easier to pick clothes that will look good, and maybe save a little bit of money because sometimes buying bigger costs more.) I'll talk about my weight and my plan of attack more on my Wednesday Weigh-Ins.

So that's the deal, guys. One year (well, technically 10 months) of me trying to challenge myself to be better, do better so I can have the confidence to live my life to the highest potential of happiness.