Wednesday Weigh-In: Starting Point

It's about to get real.

Oh. My. GAWD.

There are a lot of reasons that fat shaming sucks. I'm not saying I agree with the practice at all, but I am saying that these pictures (the first  two, anyway) were a moment for me to see myself through the lens of an unfortunately placed camera. All three pictures were taken in the same time frame (a matter of days apart), right around Christmas 2012 by Captain's mum (worst. possible. angles, I know). I am not proud of these images. I am not thrilled to see my belly line up with my boobs, or wonder just how much my face can sink into itself.

When I first saw these pictures, I couldn't believe it. I asked myself, Is this what people see when they look at me? Now, I ask myself: What are you going to do about it? 

Because, surely, something must be done.

Let's review:

• At age 16, I wore a size 7 and weighed 137 lbs.
• At age 22, I wore a size 10-12 and weighed 150 lbs.
• At age 28, I wore a size 16 and--by February 2012--I weighed 202.2 lbs.
• I joined Weight Watchers and got on-board with tracking my food and measuring out every bite I ate. By April 2012, I weighed 186 lbs. That's sixteen freaking pounds lost, in a matter of months. What's better is that I dropped to a size 14.
• Then, I fell off the WW wagon and managed to land around 188 lbs. by August 2012.
• By Christmas 2012, I was 190 lbs.
• As of this morning, I am 192.4 lbs. and can wear my size 14 jeans, but it's not too comfortable.

NOT OKAY. 

My Be Better, Do Better mantra demands that I treat myself better. It demands that, yes, I love myself and love my body, but also demands that I work on it. Why? Because I want to be healthier. I want to feel more attractive (note: I didn't say I wanted other people to find me more visually attractive, but that I want to feel more attractive because when I'm ballooning upwards towards the 200-lbs marker, I am not feeling good about me). I want to see what my adult body looks like underneath all the unnecessary fat. I want a strong heart, a long life, a not-crazy-difficult [future] pregnancy, the energy to keep up with small children, the confidence that damn, girl, I look good -- and all the benefits that go along with not-being-overweight. Right now, I only feel that I look good every now and again, but I'm not feeling my awesome.

Let's break it down into specific goals and an action plan. Because I want to be sure to lock into a positive mindset, I am going to say that I will do these things as opposed to saying I want these things--wants aren't needs, and I need to do these things, no ifs, ands, or buts about it. Here goes:

1. Goal #1: Trim the Fat. I will lose 20-25 lbs. before September 2013. That gives me six months to drop that weight. Based on my weight loss before, this should be easily achieved if I stick to a good diet and exercise.
2. Goal #2: Eat to Live, not Live to Eat. I will limit my fast food intake and cook more. I will create and stick to a menu plan. This will have an impact on my financial goals as well, but I want to eat better and be healthier.
3. Goal #3: Bust Ass. I will commit to an active lifestyle. This means I will actually use my paid-for gym membership and utilize my BBX Groupon. I will do something active at least 3x a week.

This is my starting point, at 192.4 lbs. I told myself last year that I would never go back to 200+, and I meant it. It's time to go to war, find my warrior self, and dig out the strength to get back on track.

Be Better, Do Better... Or, the Pursuit of Happiness

If you don't think you are fabulous, if you don't have incredible confidence in yourself, you will never have the strength to go after what can make you happy. --Suze Orman 

If you asked me for a definition of "happy," I'm not entirely sure I would know how to answer. On one level, I understand that happiness is an emotion, a resulting feeling related to a series of events in one's life. Joy, I've been told, is an internal thing that can emanate from someone, on a deeper level than simply "happy." But I've been thinking a lot about this idea of confidence in oneself and its relation to happiness. (Should be obvious, given my last post about loving thyself). That's a crucial part of the puzzle that's been missing for me, the confidence to pursue the things that can make me happy.

I like lists and I need to have goals, so I've targeted three areas of happiness that I want to focus on over the next year (in order of importance):

• Love/Relationships
• Money Matters
• Weight Loss/Health

These three target areas have subcategories that under their purview as well as connections to the other areas, but as general titles go, those are the three places I want to be better, do better in. (Back to my mantra for 2013, see?). 

In Love/Relationships, I've finally discovered that I can't be everyone's friend. I have to be okay with letting people go and/or allowing relationships that are a 'drag' (emotional, financial or otherwise) fall to the wayside. I have to decide whether some relationships are worth the investment. And if they're not, I have to be okay with the truth that I can't be everyone's friend. I'm a good friend, I think, and a good girlfriend and a good daughter (even if I don't always feel like one). And so this year, I want to cultivate the relationships that I'm deeming worth an investment--those include my true friends, professional associations, my budding (is it still 'budding' 6 months in?) relationship with my boyfriend whom I'll call Captain on this blog, and my longstanding, difficult relationship with my parents. I'm going to try to post about these sorts of things on Mondays (yes, this means I'm trying to keep a blogging schedule). Since this will be the area wherein there might not always be a weekly update, I may make Miscellany Monday about goal-making and goal-progress as well... we'll just see how this rolls out.

In Money Matters, I want to be better about my finances. I've already decided on a path to take, but I planning is always a different beast than actual execution. Right now, my focus is not on the dream job I've got in my head because I'm still currently working on my masters degree. I will refocus on that when I've completed my academic studies. And in case you were wondering, the dream job is to be an author. My real day-to-day job is a stable, steady sort of deal and it provides me with enough money, yet I constantly feel like it's not enough. Why is that? Because I'm a spender, not a saver. I'm a lover of words, not a lover of numbers and it's made me resistant to planning ahead with my money. That's a terrible thing to admit, but it's the truth and I'm trying to change that now. With the realization that (a) I'm turning 30 this year, (b) I'm in this relationship that I feel is headed towards a strong/long-term commitment, and (c) other factors, I've determined that I'm not a kid anymore. I can't claim young, dumb, and innocent. I have to take responsibility for my finances and put myself in a better position for my later years (whatever may come--family, kids, a mortgage?). I'll go over my plan more in detail on Friday when I kick off my Finance Fridays posts, but just so you have a head's up: I'm challenging myself to stick very closely to a budget next month, and I'm calling it March Money Challenge. 

Weight Loss/Health has been another area of my life that's been a challenge for me. While I've made friends easily my whole life, and though I spend most of the money I earn (but I do earn it), I have always struggled with my weight (and as a result, my confidence in myself). I will periodically get on a roll doing something, and when something goes wrong, boom! I'm done. It's been this way with weight loss and dieting, and even with money, for most of my life. I'm tired of selling myself short in these areas. I want to be better, do better. And so, I've decided to return to the gym and to eating better/right. If I stop eating out so much, not only will I get the healthy benefits of preparing my own meals (knowing what's in it and maintaining control of the ingredients), I get the side benefit of saving some money. So, we're going to tackle this weight loss/health thing because I will never be in a better position to do something about this as I am right now. Right now, I'm young (under 30! Just barely), I have no kids (but that might change someday, and I don't want to have a difficult/complicated pregnancy), and dammit, I want to look good! (Side benefit: easier to pick clothes that will look good, and maybe save a little bit of money because sometimes buying bigger costs more.) I'll talk about my weight and my plan of attack more on my Wednesday Weigh-Ins.

So that's the deal, guys. One year (well, technically 10 months) of me trying to challenge myself to be better, do better so I can have the confidence to live my life to the highest potential of happiness.

Love Thyself...?

People who know me find that I am a sensitive, generous person. I've always known this because my mother has both encouraged and bemoaned this particular trait my whole life. In fact, at some point in my teens, my mother stopped giving me money for my birthday and for holidays because, as she accused, I spent it on everyone else and not myself. (I thought I was sharing the wealth, or that doing so made me feel good and happy). And now, at this point in my life, I've come to face to face with some truths:

I care a lot about people.
I care a lot about animals.
I care a lot about the world.
...but I don't know that I've cared enough about me.

Though it's weird to say, I think that I have not been selfish enough. I haven't loved myself enough to have the same level of concern for myself that I do for others.

It's why I'm overweight.
It's why my savings account is paltry.
It's why I haven't really chased my dream of becoming an author.

It's why I hold onto fear and refuse to risk letting go.

This year, I will turn 30 in October. While many tell me "Thirty is no big deal," I have consistently zeroed in on it as a BFD (big effing deal). Not just because it represents... whatever it is society thinks it's supposed to represent, but because when I was 26, I thought I'd be further along in life than where I was. That realization launched me into a bout of depression that I had to claw my way back out of, and the only way I could do that was by letting go. Now that I'm about to turn 30 (and past the depression), I've found myself thinking more deeply about myself and the decisions I've made and the goals I have yet to formulate or attain. Where am I? Where am I going? What do I want? How do I get there?

And I think the answer lies in one simple question: Are you ready to love you the way you love others?

If I do, if I can, I believe I will make better decisions. I believe I will let go of the Old Plans I made and revise them to make new ones. I believe I will let go of the iron-strong bar of inflexible (and sometimes, even impossible) measuring tool I've held myself to for so long and grant myself a little grace. I believe I will push myself to become the person I want to be--stronger, healthier, richer, and maybe even smarter than ever before.

Question: Am I ready to love myself? To be a little more selfish this year? To effectively plan and plot my way between here, Point A, to my own Happily Ever After?

Answer: Yes.

I'm going to start right now. You're welcome to follow or join the journey.

This blog, Charity Ever After, is going to tell my story. I've always said that I'm going to have to live with me for the rest of my life, and so I want to know what does my 'ever after' look like? Right now, I'm not entirely sure, but I have an idea of what I want it to look like. Now it's just a matter of getting there. It's me, Charity, and this is my Ever After.